2 April 2021
A Jewish Boy’s Guide to Seltzer Water
I have loved seltzer my whole life. Nearly everybody in my family has always loved seltzer, too, and it’s no surprise because it's literally in our blood (figuratively). My great-great-grandfather, Neil Laska, a Jewish man who formerly pressed and bottled poppy seed oil, started the Pittsburgh Seltzer Company after immigrating to the city from Pultusk, Poland prior to World War I. A few years later, his twelve year old son, Nick—my mother’s grandfather— and his older brother Saul, joined their father in Pittsburgh to help him with the company. Together, they custom ordered high quality glass bottles from Czechoslovakia and procured a machine that would clean, fill, carbonate, and cap their bottles in a matter of seconds. From there, the bottles just had to be packed and delivered to clients’ doorsteps where they would leave their empties for collection and reuse.
Nick and Saul eventually found wives to marry and have children with, one of those children being my Grandmother, Janet, who was born in 1938. My Grandmother fondly remembers a faucet at their kitchen sink that, attached to a carbonator in their basement, spewed seltzer when they turned it. All of the bottles that didn’t fill correctly at the family’s garage-sized factory were saved for the children to participate in what my Grandmother calls “Seltzer wars.” They would spray each other down with the precious, bubbly liquid on hot summer days. The family eventually moved out to California where they started the Laska Seltzer Company that they later sold to a then little known company called Shasta. The seltzer company supported all three sides of the family for years. Unfortunately, Neil, Nick, and Saul all died of heart attacks in their forties and fifties due to, as my Grandmother tells me, their nearly all-meat diets encouraged by their quick transition from poverty to prosperity.
While I do not plan to either die of a heart attack or go into the seltzer industry any time soon, I do believe that I have a love and affinity for seltzer that my ancestors would be proud of. I drink seltzer day in and day out. I look for the best bargains I can find. I buy in bulk to save trips to the grocery store. If I go to Costco, I buy pallets of seltzer that take up so much space that I store them under my bed. Sure, it's bad for the environment, but it's one of my greatest pleasures in life. While I can cut down on eating meat to avoid a huge carbon footprint—not to mention the series of heart attacks in my family that I am now terrified will afflict me—I simply cannot give up bottled seltzer. Knowing this, I have set out to find which seltzer is truly the best seltzer, for your convenience.
My criteria and personal preferences for grading seltzer are as follows:
As a seltzer addict, there are certainly brands that are my favorites and there are brands that I tend to avoid. But I’ll be honest; I drink any seltzer I can get my hands on and I’ve approached this task with a blank slate of judgement. Ideally, however, I like something cheap and bubbly that doesn’t taste overly filtered. I want a natural water flavor present even though it's a flavorless drink. Trying to be a better person, I also would like something bottled in glass, though that makes finding a cheap product harder.
Bubbles: I love bubbles. Lots of ‘em. I know some people like a nuanced, refined bubble in their seltzer, but I want something that blasts the flavor of my last cigarette right off my tongue. I can respect a seltzer that has a medium amount of bubblage, but I can assure you that if you are looking for a slightly bubbly seltzer that fizzles on your tongue like a single, lonely Pop Rock, this article is not for you. Maybe try an alka-seltzer.
Flavor: While I am only reviewing flavorless seltzers, there are slightly detectable flavors in the water itself. I am no water sommelier, but I know that I like water with a mineral-y flavor and isn’t overly filtered. My water growing up came from the town’s ultra-filtered water supply that tasted like milk. I drink seltzer to avoid that exact quality in water, so when I come across it in a bottle of seltzer, it’s disappointing.
Price: Every cent counts when you’re buying seltzer. Sometimes I love a certain type of seltzer, but it costs $1.20 as compared to a cheaper, inferior seltzer for $1. Those $.20 add up and I might save two dollars a week from buying the cheaper seltzer. Over a year, I might save $100.
Shelf Life: No, seltzer won’t go rancid once opened and left out, but it will lose its bubbles. I want a bottle that I don’t have to drink all at once. Shelf Life is assessed by rating the amount of bubbles in the bottle three hours after being opened.
Bottle Type: While price is certainly important, so is being environmentally conscious. I personally buy mostly plastic seltzer bottles because they are cheaper, but it is good to be aspirational and commend good practices when it comes to manufacturing goods that must be recycled.
Every category is graded on a scale of 0-5 except for Bottle Type. If the bottle is made of plastic, then no points are added to the final score, if it is made of glass, 1/2 of a point will be added to the final score. Final scores are calculated by adding Bubble, Flavor, Price, and Shelf Life scores together, dividing by four, and adding Bottle Type score.
LaCroix: 2.5/5
Bubbles: 4
Flavor: 2
Price: 4
Shelf Life: 0
Bottle Type: Can
LaCroix brings me both intense nostalgia and intense anxiety because it reminds me exhaustively of my pre-covid office job. It was a great job, but LaCroix, in a weird way, reminds me of the old world, before the new normal. That aside, as a drink, it is okay. Definitely a passable seltzer. The bubbles are good, the flavor is inoffensive, and the price is okay (though it is a small can). The one major downside to LaCroix that lands it at the bottom of this list is it’s Shelf Life. As a can, the drink simply cannot be capped. Be ready to drink an entire can of seltzer in a matter of 5 minutes if you are buying a LaCroix. Otherwise, the drink will be entirely flat.
Avenue A Seltzer: 2.625/5
Bubbles: 3.5
Flavor: 0
Price: 5
Shelf Life: 2
Bottle Type: Plastic
Avenue A is one of my go-to seltzers. I buy this brand because it's extremely cheap. There are often deals at my supermarket offering five 1-liter bottles for $3. That being said, this seltzer is pretty bad, possibly worse than LaCroix, but damn, that price cannot be argued with. I think somebody screwed up at work when they mixed the batch of seltzer that I bought for this test because there was a very discernible cherry flavor in this seltzer even though it is the flavorless variety. The bubbles and shelf life were okay, nothing to call home about.
Perrier: 3/5
Bubbles: 1
Flavor: 2.5
Price: 2
Shelf Life: 5
Bottle Type: Glass
Perrier is one of the most well known brands of seltzer. It comes from France and as such, is a light, and nuanced drink. The bubbles are not aggressive, which to me is a downer, and the flavor, which is quite prominent, tastes very soft as compared to a water with more minerals. The bottle is expensive, but not the most expensive brand commonly found in supermarkets. The bubbles do not diminish after a few hours of the seal being broken. The bottle is made of a luxurious, green glass. I wouldn’t be opposed to drinking this on a sunny day, sitting on the French Riviera.
San Pellegrino: 3.25/5
Bubbles: 3
Flavor: 5
Price: 2
Shelf Life: 1
Bottle Type: Glass
San Pellegrino is probably just as well known as Perrier. It comes from a small town in Lombardy, Northern Italy, out of a river that mineralizes the water with limestone and volcanic rocks. The drink is robust and flavorful. The bubbles are a little bit more intense than middle of the road seltzer, but they do not last for long, which is unfortunate because it is so damn delicious. I wish this seltzer was higher on the list, but hey, that shelf life is pretty bad. At least the bottle is made of glass, right?
Canada Dry: 3.5/5
Bubbles: 4
Flavor: 2
Price: 4
Shelf Life: 4
Bottle Type: Plastic
Canada Dry is one of the few non-trendy unflavored seltzers that my local deli sells. Thus, I buy it pretty often. It is a middle of the road seltzer that is really quite bubbly at first. There is little flavor, but the price and shelf life are good. Cheap and long lasting products are those I come back to. This is one of ‘em.
Vintage Seltzer: 3.625/5
Bubbles: 4.5
Flavor: 2
Price: 5
Shelf Life: 3
Bottle Type: Plastic
Vintage Seltzer, has been my family’s go-to seltzer for a few years now. It costs a little more than a dollar per bottle at a supermarket and can be procured for about sixty cents per bottle at Costco when you buy a pallet of 15. There is little flavor but the bubbles are some of the best I’ve ever experienced. The shelf life, while not the best in the world, is pretty great.
Poland Springs: 3.75/5
Bubbles: 4
Flavor: 2
Price: 4
Shelf Life: 5
Bottle Type: Plastic
I find the design of the bottle for Poland Springs to be atrocious, but everything else about it is pretty great. Its bubbles are better than standard, its flavor is okay, its price is okay and its shelf life is out of this world. After nearly 24 hours of being unsealed, this bottle retained almost all of its bubbles. If you’re buying seltzer that you want to last, buy Poland Springs.
The Mountain Valley: 3.75/5
Bubbles: 2
Flavor: 5
Price: 2
Shelf Life: 4
Bottle Type: Glass
I had never tried Mountain Valley Seltzer before this taste test, but I do have to say that it's really good. The bubbles are kind of like the bubbles from Perrier but the flavor is like that of San Pellegrino. Fortunately it was cheaper than both of them but still expensive compared to plastic bottles. The shelf life was quite good too, having about the same amount of bubbles after 3 hours.
Topo Chico: 3.875/5
Bubbles: 5
Flavor: 5
Price: 1
Shelf Life: 2.5
Bottle Type: Glass
Topo Chico slaps. Literally, it slaps you in the face. Drinking this stuff is a whole different experience from any other drink on this list. Each sip contains more spicy, refreshing carbonation than it does water. Its truly amazing. The flavor is unrivaled, too. I hate to have Topo Chico so high on this list solely because of the hipster-cult behind the brand, but this stuff really is killer. The main downsides to Topo Chico are its prices and its shelf life. This stuff is expensive and it looses its amazing bubbles after a few hours.
Polar: 4/5
Bubbles: 4
Flavor: 4
Price: 4
Shelf Life: 4
Bottle Type: Plastic
Polar Seltzer was my family’s go-to seltzer before transitioning to Vintage Seltzer, so it is a brand I know well. Polar sits at the top of this list not because it is the best in some of the categories, but because it is consistently just above average in all of the categories. The bubbles are intense and pair nicely with the flavor. The price is affordable and the shelf life is good. I really do wonder why my family switched to Vintage Seltzer. This stuff is great!